The majority of my posts are on the lighter, more humorous side. They probably will continue to be for the most part, but I figure the biggest reason for blogging is to journal, so sometimes it's going to be not funny or silly, but more, well, journal-y.
A good friend of mine had a baby a few days ago, so now that she is home from the hospital, I called to check in and see if there was anything she needed. When a strange lady's voice answered the phone, I was startled and asked who it was (I guess I'm a bit clueless), thinking maybe I dialed the wrong number. It was her mom. When we hung up the phone, I got all teary eyed and choked up.
I thought it was the sweetest thing and so great that her mom came out here to help her daughter. I know that it happens, I know that more times than not, probably, mom's come to help their daughter's after a baby is born. For some reason this time, it just kind of took the breath out of me for a minute.
When I was three months pregnant with Eric, our first, my mom had a massive stroke. Two months later, she passed away. It was very hard. But I dealt with it (am dealing with it still 12 years later) as well, or possibly better than can be expected. Of coarse I went through the initial outward grieving period. I can't say exactly how long it lasted, but it gradually gets weaker: the feeling of loss and aloneness (if that's a word).
So over the past twelve years, it has been interesting to notice how and when the grief hits me time and again. In the beginning, every date was hard. The Firsts. The first Christmas, Thanksgiving, her birthday. The first Mother's Day put me into quite a depression. The first anniversary of her death... As the years drew on, it faded. Not the memory of her or my feelings for her, just that it wasn't as hard to go on without. There have been years when I am just as blue as can be for a few days, then it dawns on me that those days led up to the anniversary of her death, or her birthday, and I realize why subconsciously I had been down. Other times, it isn't until after the date that I realize that April 12th (the day of her passing) has come and gone. You just never know, but the grief, even after all this time, creeps up on you.
So, I have to admit that when I learned that my friends mom was here to help with the baby, I actually got a little jealous and sad and missed my mom. I've never had her to be here for any of my babies. HOWEVER, I would be remiss if I didn't say here that I have had/do have the greatest friends and adopted family that anyone could ever hope for and imagine. So even though my kids and I don't get to benefit from visits with Grandma Gayle, we are thankful for the MANY great stand-ins that we do have.
I have to say also, that the biggest thing that gets me through, is my faith in the Plan of our Father in Heaven. The knowledge that we can all be together again in the next life makes it all doable. I can't imagine how horrible loss would be without knowing that you'll see that person again. I just can't imagine.
You just never know when it's going to hit. Even after all this time.
7 comments:
Aw man Nic. No words, just a really big hug. You are strong. And you are lucky she is your mom. I love ya!
Hi Nic. I found you through Kelly. I appreciate your post. I am sorry to hear you lost your mom. My mom also passed away. I actually recently did a post on grieving. I know how you feel about the grief coming at odd times. I feel the same way.
It can hit that way, out of the blue, long after the actual loss. I figure it just shows that our hearts never forget. I'm sorry it hit you again. I haven't lost my mom, but I think that will be one of the hardest deaths to handle when it happens. Big hugs to you.
Nic, I'm sorry for your loss...hugs.....beautifully written..
I have gotten that way about grandparents before. Well, when I was younger and witnessed my friends being supported at things by their grandparents.
It would be hard to be a mom without a mom. My heart goes out to you.
Nic, that was so beautifully written.
I love you!
Remember when sweet little Gayle kept looking for your bridesmaid dress that took me forever to send for my wedding? I remember feeling so guilty that I had made her wait so diligently...
Thank you for this post. I really mean that.
Wow, I have a lump in my throat. Such a beautiful post. I felt the need to talk to you and tried calling but no answer. I have a clear picture of Gayle in my mind. Sitting at the kitchen table reading a book with her magnifying glass. I can't imagine what you must go through when these moments hit. Please remember that you can give me a call anytime if you feel the need to talk.
Post a Comment